Telling close family and friends:

• Sharing the news of your child’s death is difficult. Consider identifying family or friends who can help you with this task. 

Pick a funeral home:

• Some families use a funeral home they are familiar with or have used before for a family or friend.
• If you don’t know where to start, search funeral homes in your community to get an idea of which ones are available.
• Call the funeral home to inquire about their services. They typically walk you through the process. Some offer a reduced rate for children. If a funeral home is not selected before you leave the hospital, call Decedent Care Services to let them know who you picked.

Caring for yourself:

• Remember to eat and drink. It can be the last thing on your mind, but it is really important to fuel your body. Try small snacks, even if you don’t feel hungry. 
• Moments of rest. Even if it isn’t true sleep, rest is necessary. Sometimes sleep is difficult in the first days. The adrenaline of what has happened or memories or images playing over in your mind can make it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep. If it persists, contact your doctor to talk about ways to help you get sleep.

Waves of grief and shock:

• Intense emotions can come in waves- calm one moment and a crying the next. This is normal. Allow space for your sadness.
• Consider journaling, or talking with a trusted support person or a counselor to process your experience.
   

After the death of your child, you may feel like you are going crazy, but you are NOT! During the coming weeks and months, you may experience waves of intense emotions or other symptoms. Below are some of the common reactions, both emotional and physical, that parents and family members go through in the weeks and months after the loss.

Physical

• Changes in sleeping and appetite (more or less)
• Tightness in the chest
• Extreme tiredness or fatigue
• Sensitivity to noise
• Difficulty concentrating
• Restlessness
• Headaches
• Stomach upset

Emotional

• Numb or feeling as if it is “unreal”
• Anger
• Disbelief
• Mood swings or waves of emotions
• Guilt/Regret
• Disorganization of thoughts
• Loneliness – feeling distant from others
• Playing the events from the last weeks, days, or hours over in your head, almost like a movie

Spiritual

• Questioning your faith
• Feeling angry at God
• Questioning your beliefs
• Re-organizing priorities– feeling as if you look at what is “important” in life differently than before the loss
• Inability to forgive

Information for those supporting a bereaved parent

Someone you love and care for is grieving. What can you do? How can you help? Witnessing the intense grief of a loved one makes us feel helpless and can frighten us with the fear of “what would I do if this happened to me?” Here are some tips to help guide your efforts.

Learning the art of being rather than doing – there is little we can say in the event of the loss of a child that brings true comfort. Your presence, sitting with a bereaved parent or family member, can be the greatest gift.

Acknowledging the obvious – grieving can be a lonely process for the family and they may feel that people avoid them. Let them know you care and that you have been thinking of them. The first time talking with the parents or family member may be awkward, as you strive to say the “right” thing. Providing a listening ear, sending them a note, or offering specific skills you could contribute, such as cleaning, babysitting, or mowing the lawn, are helpful.

Respect how another grieves - grief is an individual journey with no one “right” way. Much depends on what our personalities are like - emotional, cognitive, introvert, extrovert, etc. A person who is open with their emotions is more likely to express strong feelings, tears, and willingness to talk. Rather, a person who is closed with their feelings may process their intense emotions internally, cognitively, or in acts of “doing”. Trust in the natural grief process and reach out for support or guidance for help and direction.

Using supportive language - as said before, finding the words to use can be scary and uncomfortable. Some phrases to avoid are:

• “At Least…” he or she did not suffer, you have other children, you did not get to know your baby, etc.  While meant to look at the more positive side, these are hurtful and discredit the person’s right to be sad.
• “God’s Will…” suggests that they should be comforted or relieved by this thought; instead, listen to how painful it is for them and validate their feelings. Most times, reassuring a person who is grieving is more about our own feelings of helplessness.
• “How are you?” is an intense question and very difficult for grieving people to answer. Instead, try “I’ve been thinking of you.”, “I’m here for you.”, or “I’m wishing you some peaceful moments this weekend”.

Ways to Show You’re Caring

Many times friends and family return to their typical schedules after the first 2-4 weeks. With this in mind, offer to take meals over and stay and eat with them or offer to sit with them at functions like church, programs or events. Invite them along for events and outings; allow them to turn them down - but continue to ask. 

Information from: Stepping Through the Awkwardness by Marilyn Gryte.

Additional support group information

Please visit our Hummingbird Program for additional Grief and Bereavement resources.